Uncle Walter

Lawrence: "Peter... watch out for your cornhole, bud."
[Office Space]

A VERDICT, FINALLY [New York Times]
"A federal court jury in Bridgeport, Conn., convicted Walter A. Forbes, former chairman of the Cendant Corporation, of masterminding an accounting fraud that was, at the time it was discovered in 1998, the largest on record.

"The verdict came in the third trial of Mr. Forbes over eight years. Jurors could not reach a verdict in the earlier cases. This jury found Mr. Forbes, 63, of New Canaan, Conn., guilty of conspiracy and of submitting false reports to regulators. It acquitted him of securities fraud.

"Mr. Forbes, who is free on $1.2 million bail, is scheduled to be sentenced on Jan. 17. He may be sent to prison for as long as 25 years."

MP3: Ben Folds Five - "Uncle Walter"

I want to thank everyone who extended concern for Uncle Walter. While some of you suggested that you would next hear me reporting on the live music scene in Switzerland, fret not. I wasn't involved.

There is no word on whether or not this will affect my inheritance, my record collection or booze consumption. I laugh. I tease. In all seriousness, I am part of the bastard line of firefighters from Boston, so I don't hobknob or go sailing or do whatever it is that rich criminals named Forbes do. But that doesn't mean I'm a cold-hearted son of a bitch. I still get teary-eyed when I hear about the big dogs from the family Redwood getting sent to the slammer.

To be completely honest, I don't know why everybody gets so excited. I kind of believed the whole "I'm a CEO...I don't know a thing..." excuse. So he's making millions of dollars, that doesn't mean he's asking the question why. Or how. Yeah, that sounds pretty legit. I mean, that defense worked the first two times. Right?

On a separate note, I'm trying to figure out if $1.2 million bail means you're a flight risk or just a complete fucking jackhole. Or maybe they have to make bail something that'll put a dent in your checking account. While my bet is that he goes to some country club bullshit prison where he can still throw a dime down on the Belmont Stakes if he wants to, I still have to say it: "Walter...watch out for your cornhole, bud."