Konichiwa, Mr. Matsuzaka

[Photo Credit]

Start dusting off your old Johnny Damon home jerseys. Provided, of course, that you didn't burn them in effigy last December. Or use them as toilet paper. Or shoot them. Or tape them to a claymore. That's right, 6 days off of the anniversary of JD's departure to the Evil Empire and we just signed the hottest thing outta Japan since Boris and he's gonna be rocking the 1-8. The up-to-date e-mails to JK at 6 AM, the hovering over Boston.com's Extra Bases and the all-out fear of entering the season without a bona fide fifth starter is over. Dice, dice, baby. The Diceman cometh.

Konichiwa, Dice-K, welcome to the most rabid sports town in the world. I saw your stuff this past year at the World Baseball Classic and I was impressed. Buckling knees. Backwards K on Ichiro Suzuki. Tailing fastball. Gross. And did somebody say screwball? I haven't seen one of those since I was white knuckling the keyboard of the old Apple IIGS playing Hardball. It's going to be interesting to see what that nasty little number looks like in real life. I'm pretty sure it doesn't go from one side of the screen to the other and then circle into the catcher's mitt, but if it does, I'm OK with it.

I have to tip my hat to Theo Epstein and the brain trust at Red Sox Nation HQ who took a collective hot dump on Scott BorA$$. When I doubted them the most, they called his bluff, forced his hand and signed the Diceman at a bargain price. He is the purveyor of five pitches (all from the same the same delivery) and MVP from this years World Baseball Classic. He tops out at 96 mph, is a ripe 26 years old, isn't playing for the Yankees, isn't playing for the Yankees...

I have yet to hear him speak in my native tongue, but I like him already. In fact he reminds me of Pedro. He didn't waste a minute setting the stage. Among his incentives are "a massage therapist, physical therapist, interpreter and personal assistant, and 80-90 flights [provided by the Red Sox] over the course of the deal, along with special housing and transportation arrangements and accomodations for his wife" [Boston.com]. And, of course, the number 18.

Shit, if we win the AL East World Series, I'll be his massage therapist.

MP3: Boris - "Woman on the Screen"
MP3: Forward Russia - "Eighteen"
MP3: The Rolling Stones - "Tumbling Dice"
MP3: Pearl Jam - "God's Dice" (Live in Philly, 9.2.00)